Go Suck An Egg

Let me start off today telling you about one of my painfully awkward, but secretly amazing celebrity encounters. My mom and I went to see Chelsea Handler last year and after her stand-up show, there was a book signing afterwards which I had to go to, obviously. You needed to buy a copy of her book there, which I already had but bought another copy anyways just to get that wristband. For some reason, my mom refused to buy her own copy so I had to wait in line by myself.

This is never a good idea because when I meet celebrities, especially ones who are my IDOLS, I tend to either stare at them with my mouth open and say nothing or mumble incoherently. Waiting in line, I tried to psych myself up because it’s Chelsea Handler and one day we will be best friends. I really wanted her to sign my book, “Caitlin, go suck an egg! Chelsea Handler” because she says that on her show sometimes, and of course I say that to my friends all the time.

When I finally got up there, I said something along the lines of “Hi Chelsea can you please sign my book blah blah blah,” but of course it’s mumbled and before I know it I’m swept out of the room. When I showed my mom all it said was, “Caitlin sucks eggs, love Chelsea.” Touché, Ms. Handler. I need to learn to enunciate. Apparently.

My incoherency has gotten me into trouble before but it has more to do with me being beyond awkward and shy than anything else. Like, if I’m not one hundred percent comfortable with you, or even if I am sometimes, I don’t always know what to do. This happens even within my own family, not my parents or siblings or really close people, but to cousins or aunts and uncles I haven’t seen in awhile. It’s painful. And completely, totally my fault. So sorry about that.

This can be especially difficult when I am around authority figures or people who I consider to be better than me. My job search is agonizing because when I first see something interesting I think it’s the perfect thing and I am going to own it. But as I start to write my cover letter and fill out the application, my confidence drains until I’m convinced I can’t do that job or any job at all. Of course, this is ridiculous because I have succeeded at every stage of my development (thus far), but before any big thing in my life happens, I have to go through a stage of, not so much self-loathing, as self-doubting.

Also, I should mention, it’s not so much about the tasks I’m going to be asked to do but the people I will work with. I live in a constant state of fear thinking that people are judging me or don’t like me. This used to really bother me, but recently I’ve been under the impression that I don’t care anymore. That’s a lie though now that I write it because I want everyone to love me. In my head, I’m famous and everyone loves me. Which sounds a little freaky, but it’s just my ardent imagination.

The point is though, the worry of people not liking me has lessened to the point where I can just push it back to the deepest corner of my brain and I can just pretend like it doesn’t bother me. Because if you don’t like me, then just go suck an egg and get over it. Not my problem.

In a complete reversal of topics, I was talking to my brother, Jimmy, last night about what would happen if we were to write a book collaboratively. He’s five years younger than me, but we happen to have a similar sense of humor which can be frightening. Our book would be really stupid and really funny, but everyone would read it. Then we started talking about what would happen if my sister, Lauren, who is three years older than me, wrote a book and my brother says that it could be described in one sentence, “If A Tree Falls In The Woods And There’s No One To Hear It, Then Shakespeare Is Really Good.”

A true humorist never explains her jokes, but since you hardly know me I’ll have to. Let me just give you a little back story and you can fill in the blanks. I’ll keep it short: I programmed Siri (on my phone) to call me “Princess Caitlin.” My sister asked Siri to call her “Shakespeare.” You can see how our priorities might be a little different. But she’s super smart and can take a joke so that’s why I’m putting it here. Hi, Lois!

Speaking of Lois, you may notice that I call my family members a lot of different names. Not to be insulting, I just sometimes get bored saying the same names all of the time, so I make some up. For my sister, I usually just alternate between Lauren and Lois and my dad I just call dad because I’m pretty sure he would just ignore me if I tried calling him something else. My brother tries to ignore me too, but that just makes me try harder to call him something like Jambalaya or Jimmy pronounced “Himmy,” Jaime, or Jay-mez. My mom has the best (worst?) nicknames as I make a new one up every time I see her: Margeau, Magic, Madge, Madonna, Moo, Moo-moo, and the list goes on.

FYI: Red Sox start in three days. Prepare yourselves!!!

BTW: I don’t remember if I ever really introduced myself in my first post. My name is Caitlin and one day I will be a princess. Have you seen my crown?

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